Phobias. Fears. We all have them. Mine is snakes. Coming eyeball to eyeball with a shiny green one as a kid during an innocent game of hide-and-seek sealed it for me. My phobia – called opidiophobia – is mostly avoidable. But some phobias are not. Unfortunately, Niki’s is unavoidable.
Some cringe at the idea of interacting socially – sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, bolting to the nearest toilet. Social interactions not only occur at parties and social gatherings, but also at work and in families. This unavoidable fear induces anxiety. Sometimes even panic.
It’s real, and it has a name. Niki* joins 15 million other American adults who have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
* Her real name, used with permission.
Social Anxiety Taking Root
Niki grew up in a household of adults where the tried and true mantra of “children should be seen but not heard” rang true. Being raised by her grandfather, she spent much time alone, entertaining herself, while all the adults talked. The social anxiety may have taken root then, because Niki shares, “I don’t know what to do or how to be around people. I don’t particularly like small talk or talking in general.”
Niki with her friend Amy
“I can somewhat hold a conversation, especially if the other person is assertive, but I don’t adjust well to meeting new people,” she says. Instead, Niki has a tight group of five friends that know her – really know her. How she needs space. How she doesn’t initiate keeping in touch. But how she’s always there if they need her.
A Radio Infomercial
Niki admits not having friends is lonely at times, but when she thinks of the effort it takes to nurture a friendship, that loneliness is suppressed. As an adult, she has experienced periods of sadness, which included hours of crying, because she thought something was wrong with her for avoiding social interactions. Especially since the rest of her family is outgoing and boisterous.
A flood of relief came upon hearing a radio infomercial about a research study for people with problems in social situations. After answering yes to most of the announcer’s questions, Niki called and made an appointment.
Her answers on the questionnaire confirmed her social anxiety, so the therapist prescribed her an anxiety medication. Now after eight years of being on the medication, Niki says the medicine helps her feel free and gives her the courage to accept some social invitations. “Just like anyone has to practice an instrument, I have to practice mingling, smiling, and staying at an event long enough for people to know I was there,” she shares. But, she still needs alone time to recharge.
Volunteering
Niki volunteering at church youth camp
Despite her uncomfortableness in social situations, I met Niki years ago when she was volunteering with the youth at my church – Sunday night Bible study, camps, Six Flags, etc. Her anxiety was always tagging along like an annoying little brother, but she went on mission trips with the youth group anyway. The teenagers loved her. My oldest son thought the world of her. She left a hole in the hearts of the youth group when she moved.
She now lives in another state, and I know the teens at her church there would also benefit from her love and strong faith. Someday, I hope, she’ll gather up the courage and get involved again.
Party of One
Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto by Anneli Rufus, helped Niki understand and accept who she was and that she was not alone. She says, “It’s safe to say this book may have brought me back to life. I was ready to give in to a life of solitude and tears.”
In addition to this book, Niki has recently spent time researching introverts. “That’s me! I’m not weird or snobby. I just have a different way of expressing myself when I’m ready to, if I’m ready to. And that’s OK,” is the realization she’s come to after reading articles about introverts. It’s been freeing for her to realize a ‘party of one’ truly is OK.
Facing Her Fears
Niki is an overcomer in that she daily has to face her fear of social interactions – at work, at the grocery store, or even when a friend calls to invite her to dinner. She relies on her faith when going into a social situation by reading these verses:
- “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” – Psalm 118:6
- “If God is for us, who can be against us?” – Romans 8:31
- “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
Niki admits she will read these verses, feel pumped up and fearless, but quickly feel afraid once she’s in the social situation. Does feeling the fear, and even sometimes retreating, mean she isn’t an overcomer?
I don’t think so.
What makes her an overcomer is she keeps trying, despite her fear. Isn’t that what life is really all about? We keep trying?
Her advice: “Be comfortable with yourself first and this will help you be comfortable with others. Talk to the people who matter to you. And take the time you need if you want to be alone.”
American writer Marilyn Ferguson says, “Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of fear is freedom.”
Leave a Reply: What do you fear? Do you face your fear? How do you overcome it?
I remember Niki well! I always find it strange how people view themselves, compared to how other view them. when I read this, I think to myself “I never would have really guessed.” Anyway, its good to see you blogging and writing again!!!
I fear being lonely. This doesn’t happen all of the time, but often enough to impact my self-esteem. I find myself able to talk with others, but I am often unsure immediately of what I have said and how it will be perceived. Though I can work, travel, and go places well enough on my own, when others are searched out by friends to do things and i am not one of them, I start wondering what is wrong with me that they wouldn’t invite me or come to check to see how i am doing as well. This even happens in my family. If you aren’t outgoing and talking with everyone, you are left behind. I don’t think people even realize this about me…and until I read this blog, I hadn’t really thought of it myself. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Deb,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m always amazed at how sharing our struggles can touch another’s life. Maybe checking out the book that helped Niki would help you, as well. Take care! Melony
I totally agree she’s an overcomer. She is brave and smart and has taken steps to face her fear. To really understand herself and what makes her tick. It requires self-evaluation and work that is often uncomfortable but she took action. Way to go Niki. And thanks Mel for connecting all of us to each other. Your blogs help spread understanding and encouragement.
My best friend is amazing and in all the years I’ve known Nik I’ve never been more proud. She inspires me.
Glad she has found comfort in the scriptures!!
Many struggle with anxiety. Luckily there is hope in being better.